In the year 2004, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Florida, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Go thou, and build another Ark and save two of every living thing and you may include a few good humans if you can find them.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, and said “You have six months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain.”
Six months passed, and then the Lord looked down again and saw Noah weeping in his yard…. but no ark, just a keel.
Noah“, He thundered, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “But things have changed.
How so?” asked the Lord.
And Noah explained thuswise:
“-First, I needed a building permit.
-Then my neighbors claimed that I violated the neighborhood zoning laws by trying to build the Ark in my driveway, and I will exceed height limitations. They’re suing me in court.
-I hired a lawyer, but after our first appearance, I found out that their lawyer was related to the judge, but my lawyer didn’t recuse him.
-I fired my lawyer. I’m now pro se. I had to teach myself the law.
-I decided to apply to the Development Appeal Board for a decision, my delaying tactics. I thought I was being smart. It angered the judge.
-Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear a passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it, and I don’t have the money.
-I’ve been to the local Council about the need for a sprinkler system, and asked for help with funds. It was denied.
-Getting the wood was a huge problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t listen!
-When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group called PETA. They insisted that I would be confining wild animals against their will.
-Then they argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
-The EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
-One of my neighbors I didn’t know was a Constitutional lawyer. He is filing a brief with the court to say I am trying to flout the Constitution by combining Church and State. He says there is no place for You.
-I got a complaint from the Human Rights Commission about minorities. I’m supposed to hire them for my building crew.
-The trades unions say I can’t use my sons, as they are non-union, and insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark building experience.
-The Government is demanding proof that I am not sailing to Cuba.
-Now the IRS is trying to seize all my assets, such as they are, claiming I’m leaving the country illegally with endangered species.
-Finally, my wife has gone to Family Court claiming that these actions of mine are a form of spousal abuse, and refuses to be a part of the Plan.
“So you see, Lord, I have tried my best to do your bidding. Please forgive me, but I don’t see how I am to continue with this.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean, You’re not going to destroy the world?”.
No,” said the Lord. “It is not necessary. Your government beat me to it. They have created their own Gods. Now you are on your own.”