Following the fortunes of two innocent cows as they serve your needs, under the multi-cultural/political world systems we have formed.
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and gone off.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and make a herd.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
CORPORATION, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the new-style analysts (aka Mad Money’s Jim Cramer) stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock soars.
FRANCE
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPAN
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
BRITAIN
You have two cows. You want to eat them. You can’t, they’re still being tested . . .
GERMANY
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALY
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
INDIA
You have two cows. They think they are safe and untouchable.
So you send them elsewhere via the internet.
They multiply. Peter Norton zaps them.
NEW RUSSIA
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQ
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They have blue hooves.
They send tapes of their mooing.
POLAND
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIUM
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
BEVERLY HILLS
You have two cows.
They don’t taste good, they don’t look good, and they are too expensive.
You send them back to be made over.
FLORIDA
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tells you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.