A Political Message from John Cleese
TO ALL U.S. CITIZENS
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.
Effective immediately, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, Commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
01. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
02. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.
03. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
04. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of - ize.
05. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
06. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
07. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
08. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean.
09. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline), roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
11. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer. European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen" Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
13. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue In Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
14. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football: you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your Borders, your error is understandable.
16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
17. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (this option backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese.
MARRIAGE
Old aunts come up to you at weddings, poke you in the ribs,
and say, "You're next." (They will stop if you do the same to them at funerals.)
The last wedding I attended, a much-married man came up to me with the following observations:
"A smart man and a smart woman = romance
A smart man and a dumb woman = affair
but
A dumb man and a dumb woman = pregnancy
A dumb man and a smart woman = marriage"
And things to think about, like
"A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need."
"A woman marries a man expecting he will change (but he doesn't).
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change (and she does)."
"A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
I liked the last one best.
"To be truly happy with a man, she must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be truly happy with a woman, he must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."
Sooner or later you will probably make the leap. And so it goes.
Calling Heaven
(John Cleese talking)
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
"Thank you for calling heaven.
For English, press 1
For Mandarin, press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for a request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
Frequently asked questions:
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his/her social security number, followed by the £ (pound) sign, followed by #. If you should receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers: 3:16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
Office hours:
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you, and have a heavenly day."
KNOW YOUR BIBLE
What follows are the actual answers to a religious test administered to a class of children at a Catholic elementary school concerning the Old and New Testaments, (spelling preserved.)
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16.. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Red Buttons 1919-2006
July 13, 2006
Now there's an all-round showbiz icon in my book that one can truly respect. Actor, composer, songwriter, singer, hoofer, and of course his standup routine - there seemed to be nothing he couldn't do. 5 Broadway plays, appearing with Uta Hagen in 1942, 29 movies, which included Sayonara with Marlon Brando, which earned him an Academy Award, and innumerable television appearances. In 1945, as a performer with an army unit in Europe, he served as master of ceremonies in a presentation for President Harry Truman, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet dictator Josef Stalin at the Potsdam Conference. This diminutive man's career spanned 70 years, and he certainly had his ups and downs with periods when he couldn't get arrested. I think most people around here ran into this fun-loving man at different times, and it would always be a positive experience.
I last saw him at a lunch of the Pacific Pioneers Broadcasters, and he rewarded us with his "Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner" routine, for which he will probably be best remembered.
"Never got a dinner . . .Venus de Milo, whose mother once said, I never hear from you. What's the matter? Can't pick up a phone?" Or "Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, Hey, it's only a nickname!"
The last thing I heard him say: "Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!"
Such memories he had.
President Bush goes to school
President Bush was making one of his PR trips to an elementary school, to read the kids some stories.
After he got through, he put down the book, and asked the class if they had any questions.
A little boy put up his hand.
"And what is your name?" asked the president.
"Stanley", he replied.
"And what is your question?"
"Well, acshully, I've got three" he said.
"Go ahead."
"First, Mr. President, how come you're president when the other man got more votes?
"Second, why are we fighting in Iraq because of weapons of mass destrucshun, when we can't find any?
"Third, how come you can't catch Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then, the bell went for the milk and cookie break.
After they came back, President Bush asked if there were any more questions before he left.
Another little boy put up his hand.
"And what is your name?" asked the president.
"Timothy", said the little boy.
"OK, Timothy, let me have your question."
"Well, acshully I've got five", said Timothy.
"And what are they?"
"First, how come you are president when the other man got more votes?
"Second, why are we fighting in Iraq because of weapons of mass destrucshun, when there aren't any?
"Third, how come you can't catch Osama Bin Laden?"
"Four, how come the bell for our break went off 20 minutes early?
"And five, where the hell is Stanley?"
The 2006 Darwin Award Winners:
Darwin Awards go to people, usually men, who actually performed the following human acts:
WINNER
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
HONORABLE MENTIONS
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. She called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That is the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated and furious, walked away.
CONSOLATION PRIZE
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up and vomiting, on the ground next to the vehicle. A police spokesman said that the man admitted trying to steal gasoline. He had plugged his siphon hose into what he thought was the gas tank, and began sucking to create a vacuum before transferring it to his car. Only problem was, he'd put the hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
The Lawyer and the Farmer
A big city trial lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He bagged a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.
As he started to climb over the fence to retrieve it, an old farmer drove up in his tractor, and asked him what he thought he was doing. The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it came down in this field, and I'm retrieving it."
"I don't think so" the farmer replied, "Don't you know this is my property? I won't let you come over here."
The indignant lawyer stayed outside, and said, "Look here, I'm one of the best trial attorneys in this country and I assure you, if you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The farmer thought about this for a moment and then said, "Don't you know how we settle disputes in Tennessee? Hereabouts we fix small disagreements like this with our "Three Kick Rule."
"And what exactly is that?" asked the lawyer, and he replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to first kick you three times and then it's your turn, you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up and loses."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take on the old codger, and at the same time teach him a lesson, so he agreed to abide by the local custom, and stood waiting in the middle of the road.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor, clambered over
the fence, and walked up to the attorney. He placed his first kick with the steel toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's crotch and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's lunch gushing from his mouth, and when he was on all fours, crossed behind, administering the third kick to his rear, which sent the lawyer face-first into a pile of fresh cow manure.
The lawyer climbed slowly to his feet, and summoned every bit of his willpower, self esteem, self control, and professionalism.
"O.K." he said finally, brushing himself off and wiping his face with his sleeve "My friend, now it's my turn."
The old farmer walked back to his fence, and started to climb back over. Then he turned and smiled.
"Naw, I give up, gentleman, sir, you can have it. I'll throw you the duck."
PARABLE
A wealthy farmer had a chicken coop that a fox would unpredictably raid, grab a chicken, and disappear into the woods. The farmer tried to catch the fox, but it was too wily. The chickens always squawked at each other when they thought the fox was nearby, and the fox would always fake his entrance to fool the chickens. He would patiently wait until the farmer and chickens could not predict his moves. The cunning of the fox exasperated the farmer, so he devised a plan. He told the chickens to stop their squawking and be quiet. Also, they were to always congregate together, so when the fox entered the coop,the fox would be disorientated by their silence, and they could all pounce on the fox to ferociously peck at him.
The following morning, the chickens told the farmer that the fox had been successfully repelled the previous night by following his instructions. However, the next day, the farmer was surprised to discover that all of his chickens were gone. The farmer asked his horse for an explanation.
The horse explained that the chickens had become wiser by stopping their squawking and working together. They had learned how to escape the chicken coop through the fox's entrance and be free in the woods. The horse pointed out that the core issue was not the fox, but how to escape being roasted and put on the farmers dinner table.
Moral? Think fox=smart opponent, farmer= smart lawyer, coop=Family Court, chickens=GUESS WHO.
Me? I'm the horse.
WOMEN DRIVERS? OF COURSE!
I get these from my 747 pilot friends in the UK. They have quite wicked senses of humor, and I am not responsible.
This is a contest for the World's Worst driver, and these made the final 6:
Sixth place:
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Fifth place:
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Fourth place:
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Bronze medal:
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The Silver:
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And the WINNER IS . . .
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Just kidding, of course!
BEST HEADLINES OF 2004
Somebody sent me these, originally created by Britain's wonderful fourth estate. Daily Mail writers?
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
[no, really?]
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
[isn't that taking things a bit far?]
PANDA MATING FAILS, VET TAKES OVER
[let's see now, if you cross a panda with a vet . . .]
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
[the good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
[so what else is new?]
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
[I can see where it might have that effect.]
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE
[you think?]
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
[who would have thought.]
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
[flawed potty training?]
ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
[they may be on to something.]
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE
[he probably IS the battery charge.]
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
[weren't they fat enough?]
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
[serves him right for eating those beans!]
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
[mmmm, they taste a little bit like chicken.]
CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY
[which was really giving of himself!]
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
[chainsaw massacre, again.]
HOSPITALS SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS
[boy, are they tall!]
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY, HUNDREDS DEAD
[not much more to say, really . . . .]
